Roger's Rating:

One of the great about DVD is that porn fans are going to get to see some classics that haven't been seen on video in years. NuTech Digital is leading the way by bringing a number of golden age features to the small screen. For those of us who never actually donned a raincoat and sat on sticky theater seats, this is a chance to see movies that were made before our time. It's also a chance to see one of the most celebrated cocksmen in porn history, John Holmes, perform his magic. You're going to have to forgive me a bit on the performer ID's since none of the women are familiar to me. If this movie is anything like the classics I watched when I first started checking out porn in the mid-eighties, there will be a lot more of a plot to cover than the average stroker movie, so let's get to it.

We open with a woman running through an office building. She is finally caught, thrown in the back of a limo and dragged to a dark lair. There she is stripped and penetrated (raped) by the leader of the group. I don't know which is funnier, the jumpsuits everyone is wearing of the nondescript Euro-accent the kidnapper has. We really never see any penetration here because we cut away in mid attack.

Now on a porn set, we watch John Holmes in action with a harem girl. Here we get some closer shots, but it's still nothing like we see today. Never mind the super hairy bushes and pull out for a pop on the belly, this is just a lot of disconnected shots.

To the corridors of power we go for a secret meeting. Somehow, the kidnapping of a Senator's daughter give the Government reason to build a bionic man. While they are going through this rather muddled plot point, a secretary is under the table blowing one of the military guys. (and here I thought the makers of Police Academy had come up with something original.)

Holmes is out for dinner with a porn babe. She's so horny that she's grabbing the waiter's package and dying to get John to share his endowment with her. (Oh man, which is funnier now, the baby blue tux on John or the wire crub scraper on his car?) While driving home from dinner, John gets head from his dirty dinner companion that is so good that he crashes the car. In the hospital, the doctor explains to a collection of adoring nurses. (Dressed like fetish babes, which is always professional.) In the accident, John lost his cock. The chick bit down on it and choked on his severed member. (OK, that's even funnier than the clothes.) Before we get too bogged down in comedic dialogue, a horny doctor pulls a young nurse into a supply room for a quickie. She's a fairly cute thing, but the scene is over in a matter of minutes. (Another golden age staple, we just have to get used to it.)

Having rushed off, the doc leaves our nurse unsatisfied. Fear not, she runs crying into a room where another nurse is admiring her tits. (I don't mean to go Ken Starr on anyone, but they were fucking and she was naked, how did she get stains all over the front of her dress.) Naturally, the older nurse wants to comfort her young friend and introduces her to the world of lesbian sex. (Lesbian nurses, some themes never change.) While they rub their way through a lesbian scene the military pitches John on the idea of being a bionic man. (OK, Rog is having childhood Lee Majors flashbacks.)

You know, I really hope this is a comedy, because the operation dialogue and recovery footage is just too damn hilarious. Holmes actually says "Sit on it." Hold the phone Potsie, all we need is Huggy Bear to drive up in a Cobra II wearing rainbow suspender and asking 'What you talking 'bout" and we'll have all the bases covered. Now an agent working for the Government, he gets his first assignment, but has something to do before he can leave the hospital. Actually, what he has to do is bang the big titted nurse in the linen closet. The new cock works just fine and she loves sucking it to full mast. (If it's a bionic cock, couldn't you just turn a switch.) Agent Holmes fucks her hard and leaves his seed all over her tummy.

The enemy knows that Holmes is coming, but they are busy building an exact duplicate of The Senator's daughter to kill him. Things get so strange once he's inside the compound that I can't even begin to follow them. It looks like it's just time to throw one scene after another with some belly dancing going on. Suffice it to say John ends up fucking Leslie and all ends well.

I'm not exactly sure when this movie was made, but I'm guessing it's from the late 70's. It's a great study in just how things have changed. Most of the sex could actually appear in late night cable movies these days. There isn't a fat tit or pumped lip or tattoo in the entire female cast. (Of course, there isn't a single one of these women who has ever seen a weed eater, let alone a razor.) Holmes is his usual self, stiff in both his sex scenes and his dialogue. I'm not entirely sure how funny this movie is supposed to be, but it certainly made Mrs. Rog and I laugh. Nu Tech did a good job with the transfer as well. There are a lot scratches from the original, but it's clear that given the original, they have really made this look as good as possible. I'm sure there are better Golden Age movies, but for a good laugh and a little look back into history, this one works just fine. It's the lack of full, modern-day sex scenes that brings down the overall rating.

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 10/5/06 1:58 PM